“She has what?!”
The Tyrumposaurus stared in shock at the Kellyanneconvixway, who repeated the breaking news.
“The Omarosa has 200 tapeworms.”
“But how? How did she get them?”
“Right here in the Oval Dwelling, I suppose. She was always in here.”
“You mean, she got them from right here?”
A sheepish nod.
“How could she do this to me?”
“To, uh … you?”
“This is a disaster! Those are my 200 tapeworms!”
The Kellyanneconvixway blinked. Twice. It was going to be another one of those days. Just smile, keep her eyes forward and her tail between her legs.
“Okay,” said the T-Rump, “she has the tapeworms, but can she hurt us?”
“Well, I don’t think she’s contagious …”
“I don’t care about her health, dammit! I know her sort. I taught her everything she knows. Everything. She’s just trying to make me look bad.”
“With 200 tapeworms?”
“Oh, she can handle 200 tapeworms. You think she’s sick now, wait til next week. It’ll be something else. It always is. She’s one sick dino alright. She’s trying to gain sympathy from the Milkanhoney Preservation, that’s what she’s doing. At my expense of course. Well, two can play that game!”
“What are you going to do?”
“Punch back. Bigly.”
“You’re going to, um … double down?”
“Of course.”
“But, T-Rump … that’s four hundred tapeworms. Are you sure you can handle it?”
“Of course I can. Don’t you see how far she’ll go with this? I can’t have her making a fool of me. This is better than deflection. Consumption.” He waggled a finger. “This will be total consumption like the world has never seen.”
“But 400 tapeworms. That takes time.”
“Hah! Look around, I’ve got plenty of leftover, rotting Caviaraptor legs and Cheezbuggabuggas lying around. Under foot, in cracks and crevices, they’ve been here for weeks, months even! The Omarosa doesn’t know who she’s messing with. I’ll be up to 400 tapeworms in no time. They multiply, don’t they? Tell me they multiply.”
“You’re making me sick, T-Rump.”
“You’re not sick, Kellyanne. You just have a nutjob for a husband. But we need to get on this tapeworm thing right away. I want you to call the Maggiehaberman. This will impress the hell out of her. Me and 400 tapeworms.”
He grinned his smug, evil grin.
“And the failing Nooyorktimesian says there’s no method to my madness. Hah!”
With that he reached behind a rock, scraped up an ossified Cheezbuggabugga and held it over his open mouth. He caught the Kellyanneconvixway watching him nervously.
“Don’t worry. It’s organic.”
He dropped it down the hatch and licked his claws clean. She winced.
“Do I look any bigger?” he asked.
“But you just …”
“I know. I feel bigger though. Like I’ve already added five tapeworms. Maybe ten.”
He burped.
“I think I just felt one move.” He looked down at his gut. “Here, touch my belly.”
“E-e-e-w-w-w-w.” She recoiled, taking a step back.
“I said, touch my belly.”
She put a wavering hand forward … and quickly withdrew it.
“There! I saw it move. I mean, them … they … all of them,” she lied. “Ten. You’re right. Ten squiggling … squirreling … scurrying … A-a-a-a-c-k! …” she coughed up something into her hand, “tapeworms.”
She slapped her ashen face with the other hand to bring some color back to her cheeks. Her faux emotion cycle kicked back into high gear and within ten seconds her gag reflex was replaced by a beaming smile for her boss.
“You’re an incredible dino leader, T-Rump. It’s truly an honor to serve you. I’ll let the Huckabeecyclops know she can tell the masses that you’re striking back at the Omarosa as only you can.”
She turned to exit. He called after her.
“And somebody bring me a Dietcoker. The tapeworms have spoken!”
David Belisle 