Category: The T-Rump Dig

Oval Dwelling dino staffers scampered in all directions — away from the cantankerous commander in chief, the Tyrumposaurus. He was a dino not to be stifled or trifled with as he paced the large cave in front of his second in command. No, not THAT second in command, the Mincepencenow, but the senior Kentucky Gobbler, the Moscowmitch. Think less yes-dino, more you-gotta-be-kidding-me.

“When are you going to start the damn impeachment trial?” asked the T-Rump.

“I told you. We have to wait for the Nancypelosi to give us the two articles of impeachment.”

“Only two? Hell, we can beat that.”

The Moscowmitch looked at him as one might a dino preparing to jump off a cliff boasting they will fly like a Pterodactyl.

“I’m sorry, T-Rump, I truly am, but we can’t allow the Donkeykongrus to have witnesses and evidence. We won’t stand a chance.”

“I’ll tell you who doesn’t stand a chance. That damn Whistleblower dino. That’s who. Expose him. I want a name. Make him an example for all Whistleblower dinos. Make them extinct. Extinct, dammit!”

“I – I hate it when you talk this way. It makes me question my own mortality.”

“Oh, don’t go getting religious on me.”

The Moscowmitch could only shake his head at the empty walnut before him. The T-Rump glared at him.

“What? What is it?”

“Why, nothing. Nothing at all.”

“Oh, it’s something alright. It’s the Iranosaurus thing, isn’t it?”

Three days before, on the T-Rump’s orders, the battle-hardened Iranosaurus guru, the Soleimani, had been killed in the Middle Eastlands.

The T-Rump huffed and puffed.

“It was the right thing to do. He was a b-a-a-a-d dino. The Obamarus had his chance and blew it. Not me. I took care of business. It was the perfect opportunity to make this impeachment trial. Go. Away.”

The Moscowmitch cringed and cast a wild glance around them.

“Forgive me, T-Rump, but are you insane? If any dino hears you say that …”

“What’s going to happen? Huh? What’s going to happen?”

The Moscowmitch could only go mum and stare at the ground in disbelief. The T-Rump smirked.

“That’s what I thought. And you know me. Time to double down.”

“Double down?”

“You’re going to squat right there and listen to my song about it.”

“You made a song about it?”

“Is there an echo in here? My vanity demanded it.”

“But, you can’t sing. I mean, I’m trying to forget the last time I … I mean, if you want me to listen to you, I guess I’ll have to … I mean, I will.” A deep sigh. “I will.”

“Well, don’t look so beat up about it. Oh, and hold onto your heart, Moscowmitch. I’m not taking any prisoners.” 

The Moscowmitch grimaced, the ground shook and the T-Rump sang. In no particular order.

 

I took down Soleimani

Cut him off at the knees

Yeah, I took down the devil

Cuz my religion agrees

Oh, they’re callin’ me crazy

This damn impeachment won’t die

Now I’m losin’ my head again

I’m losin’ my head 

Oh, I’m losin’ my head again

I’m just waggin’ the dog alone 

Yes, I’m waggin’ the dog at home 

I’m just waggin’ the dog alone 

I’m just waggin’ the dog at home

 

Oh, I’m nobody’s angel  

I’m no Middle East star 

But I’ll send you to heaven

Because I have Williambarr

Oh, I’m losin’ my head again

I’m losin’ my head

Oh, I’m losin’ my head again

I’m just waggin’ the dog alone 

Waggin’ the dog at home 

I’m just waggin’ the dog alone 

Oh, just waggin’ the dog at home 

 

I’ll be the Tower of Babel, 

Cuz I do talk a lot

If I don’t like what you’re doin’

I’ll make it get hot — give it everything I got

Waggin’ the dog alone 

Waggin’ the dog at home 

Waggin’ the dog alone 

I’m just waggin’ the dog at home 

Waggin’ the dog alone 

Waggin’ the dog at home 

I’m just waggin’ the dog alone 

I’m just waggin’ the dog … waggin’ the dog … waggin’ the dog

O-o-o-o-h, I’m just waggin’ the dog at home

Ow!

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You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!

The T-Rump Dig Podcast … Days 1075 & 1079

This week’s T-Rump twofer features: Day 1075 — “The Waiting” … It’s a game the Moscow Mitch loves to play! … and Day 1079 — “I Think Alone” … The Rudygiuliani sidles up to the swamp and lets fly. Enjoy!

A wag of the tail to Tom Petty and George Thorogood.

A burp broke the still night, reverberating off the Rudygiuliani’s bottom lip, startling a flock of Pterodactyls from their nearby perch and launching them into the darkness.

The Tyrumposaurus’ infamous legal dino squatted at the edge of the Puhl-DePlugg Reservoir, his tail lolling about in the water. He looked up at the star-studded sky and blinked. Was that the Big or the Little T-Rumper constellation? Or did he simply have a splitting headache?

Whatever it was, it was the last time the stars would be twinkling this decade. The impeachment trial in the Sin Hut continued to loom as the Nancypelosi and the Moscowmitch drew their lines in the sand. Lines that spelled fair-trial-justice-served and when-my-daddy-and-I-are-extinct. The Rudyguliani was keeping his fingers crossed that a scrum of Mediacircustops would happen upon him any moment now. He knew just what he would say.

He took another slurp of scummy swamp water and smacked his lips. His belly burned with the toxic algae content. He couldn’t wait. The Rudygiuliani cleared his throat and urgently flicked his tail back and forth in the water.

 

I think alone, yeah

With nobody else

I think alone, yeah

With nobody else

Yeah, you know when I think alone

I pretend I’m a little elf 

 

Now, every morning I will testify

I don’t want no questions, you see

About Maduro, Venezuela

That’s all, we are agreed?

‘Cause I think alone, yeah 

With nobody else

Yeah, you know when I think alone

It just doesn’t ring any bells 

 

Yeah, the other night I was demonstrating

And I showed this big terrible scheme

So I called up my pal Levparnas

And his partner, Igor, I mean

And we thought alone, yeah 

With nobody else

Yeah, you know when I think alone

I pretend I’m a little elf 

 

Yeah, the other day I gave a long lecture

Or maybe it was in my head

Just me and pal Viktorshokin

Can’t remember what I said

And we thought alone, yeah 

With nobody else

Yeah, you know when I drink alone

It just doesn’t ring any bells 

 

Yeah, I’ll do summations, just leave it to me

I’ll try the case, I’m not too bad

I know it’s been an eternity

But this case’s ironclad

And I think alone, yeah 

With nobody else

Yeah, you know when I think alone

I pretend I’m a little elf 

Yeah, you know when I think alone

It just doesn’t ring any bells 

I think alone

 

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You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!

The Moscowmitch squinted down into Looking Glass Lagoon. He grinned his best wide, yellow tooth grin and flinched at his reflection. He needed to put up a brave front for another day in the good ol’ Impeachment Impasse. Or impass-ay as the Francophonosaurae were calling it. 

He gritted his teeth. The Tyrumposaurus wanted to turn the Sin Hut impeachment trial into a kangaroo court. That of course could only give a bad name to kangaroos. The T-Rump wanted his name cleared, which could only be done by presenting several witnesses and too much evidence — a big no-no in Moscowmitch’s mind.

Better to whip this trial through the Sin Hut faster than a T-Rump vanity pang. Get this behind them as soon as possible so it would be nothing more than a burp in the dino court of public opinion. Sure, the T-Rump was being impeached for abuse of power and obstruction of the Kongrus Kave. That didn’t mean he had to actually leave his leadership role. The timid, T-Rump-fearing Grandoldparty dinos in the Sin Hut would line up lock-step with him in their quest for complete dino domination. He’d remind them of that.

The Moscowmitch’s eyes glared back at him for the lagoon. Was that a ripple? A ripple in his confidence? Certainly not. But the ripple gained strength, cascading through his mind. He needed to do more. That court of public opinion may just think the pressure was now on him with the Nancypelosi having held onto the articles of impeachment — those dadblamed footprints in the sand — for two whole weeks. That simply wouldn’t do. He was of venerable Kentucky Gobbler ancestry. When the going got tough, it was time to gobble gobble.

Thirty minutes later the Moscowmitch squatted outside the doorway to the Nancypelosi’s dwelling. He rapped his tail against the wall, announcing his arrival. A moment later the Nancypelosi appeared in the entrance.

“Moscowmitch, to what do I owe this visit?”

“Madame Speaker, I’d like to tell you something.”

 

Oh, maybe, I must be in heaven right now

Not because I’m older than I seem

Yes, I’m famous for my long good-bye kiss

It feels like Merrick Garland once again 

You have no leverage, you can only pretend

Just watch this ol’ trial fall into the abyss

 

The waiting is the easy part

Every day I say let’s restart

You show them who’s boss, you show them who’s smart, 

The waiting is the easy part

 

Well, yeah, I hold the record now for waitin’ around. 

At least til Job’s patience wore down

Your muddling through all this makes me feel good

Just last month you said you need it right now

Maybe your case is weak, you’ve got cold feet somehow

I say no witnesses, like no witnesses now

 

The waiting is the easy part

Every day I say let’s restart

You show them who’s boss, you show them who’s smart

The waiting is the easy part

 

Oh, if you find courage, maybe, my mind’s made up for you

No timeline’s fine, lady, my mind’s made up for you

I’ll be your dumb ol’ fart, I’ll be your smilin’ fool

No such thing as too far

My mind’s made up for you

 

The waiting is the easy part

Every day I say let’s restart

You show them who’s boss, you show them who’s smart

The waiting is the easy part

 

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You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house of the Grandoldparty — whose young tot shall remain anonymous lest the Tyrumposaurus feel the need to upstage said party member’s young dino by bringing his own innocent offspring into the fray, at the consuming, fuming consternation of the Tymelania. But I predictably digress … as does any Trumpassic Period timeline.

The Grandoldparty dino’s tot couldn’t sleep. Visions of slow-running red meat and funny-looking leaves not to be run through were interrupted by the sudden pride he felt for his father. Daddy. Who made sure they still had a cave roof over their heads, better than so many dinos on the other side of the jungle tracks these days. Daddy only had to work one job. That made Daddy important.

As did all dino tots, he looked up to his Daddy. Sure, the other dinos in the school yard picked on him sometimes and called his Daddy names but what did they know? He wished he knew. Daddy was a good dino. His hero. He was there when things were bad, like when he kept wading into water and it suddenly was over his head. Daddy was good for noticing that. Daddy he could turn to. Mommy was always worrying about him getting eaten. Daddy said what didn’t kill you, you should kill. The dino tot could share his feelings with Daddy on anything. Daddy always put him on the right path. Especially when they were hungry. Daddy knew best. Daddy wouldn’t let him down. That’s why he loved him with all his heart. Every bit of it.

The dino tot’s stomach gurgled, growled, gurgled and growled some more. He rose from his sleep. He must be hungry. Yeah, that was it. His sleepy eyes brightened. Maybe Daddy would take him down a path that led to a nice, big, tasty late-night snack. He got out of his nest and wandered outside their cave into the darkness. 

What happened next would be frozen in his mind for years to come.  Wise old dinos would later take him under their wing, urging him to sing about his ordeal to help ease the bitter sting of such trauma. All part of the recovery process of course. The song? It went something like this …

 

I saw Daddy kissing T-Rump’s butt

Squatting beside Crapper Creek last night

He didn’t see me weep

At the thought of him so cheap

It was therapy I’d seek

To forever fall asleep

 

Then I saw Daddy drop to T-Rump’s knee 

And look up at him, eyes wide with fright

Oh, it was a pathetic scene

And it made my face turn green

Daddy kissing T-Rump’s butt last night

 

Then, I saw Daddy licking T-Rump’s feet

Between all his toes, oh, what a sight!

It was the grossest thing I’ve seen

How he sucked and licked them clean!

 

Daddy kissing T-Rump’s butt last night

Oh, how could one man be so mean? 

He made Daddy look obscene 

Daddy kissing T-Rump’s butt last night
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You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!

https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-5k3wx-cc2f23

Welcome back! This week’s two T-Rump tracks include: Day 1061 — “Your Cheatin’ Heart” … Can the Moscowmitch find time for the Hogangidley? … and … Day 1065 — “Everything I Do” … The impeachment dust has finally settled and the Moscowmitch has some cheering up to do. Enjoy!

“Abandoned! He abandoned me! How could he? I ask you, where’s the loyalty? Huh, where is it?”

The Moscowmitch knew better than to answer right away. It would just send the Tyrumposaurus around the bend if another dino happened to slip and fall into the conversation.

The T-Rump was fuming at the Markmeadows’ sudden announcement that he would not be seeking another term. Something about having something else to do. Like renovating his split-level cave or languishing belly-up in the lagoon. The Grandoldparty brass expressly stated it had absolutely nothing to do with the T-Rump being impeached the day before. Many in the Oval Dwelling staff had been given the day off following that landmark meltdown.

The Moscowmitch swallowed hard. His job these days was three-fold: hand-holder, butt-kicker and back-stabber. 

“Don’t worry, T-Rump. Everything’s going to be okay. You’re taking this impeachment thing much too hard. I mean, it’s only happened three times in history. Oh sure, It may seem like the worst impeachment. Okay, I admit it. It is. But here, to show you how much I’m on your side — because I know you’ll forget about all this tomorrow, I got the Bryanadams to write a song from me for you. He finally agreed after I took my foot off his neck. He said he was uncomfortable about doing it. I suppose from trying to capture my feelings for you in such a personal way, but I always get my way.”

The Moscow Mitch smiled with glee. The T-Rump was confused. 

“Your way? You’re not trying to upstage me, are you?”

“No, no. I got my way for you.”

“Because it’s my way. Always my way, right?”

“Right. That’s right. You mean so much to me, T-Rump. I can’t believe we’re still here. Me, you. Especially you. In some crazy way, I owe it all to you. So this song is from me to you. Respect, loyalty, call it what you want. It really all comes down to how I feel about you and this, this past week. Helluva week.”

“Everybody else is writing songs about me. So many songs. Too many. I get tired of listening to them. Still, they write them for me. What took you so long?”

“I just told you. The Bryanadams. Personal. My feelings? For you? Remember? I told him everything he needed to know.”

“Everything?”

“Well, not everything. Plausible deniability is the hallmark of any corrupt dino government if they are to succeed. If you recall what the Putinodon told us.”

“Huh? Oh, sure. Of course.”

“So when the Bryanadams is singing, just remember, the song? It’s from me to you. Me to you. Like I was singing it. Pretend I’m singing it. Okay?”

“Alright already. Get the Bryanadams out here. Sing the song. My song.”

The Moscowmitch raised a thumb to the Bryanadams and the warm wind suddenly changed and the leaves fairly tickled the breeze.

“Me to you.”

“Shut up!”

 

Look into my eyes — you will see

What you’ve done to me

Sold my heart, sold my soul

Forgot the oath I swore

Trust me no more

 

Don’t ask for witnesses. What for?

I’m an impartial juror to the core

And though I’m screwed

Everything I do, I do it for you

 

If you had a heart — you would find

We have so much to hide

She made me what I am, take my wife

If it came to her, I would sacrifice

 

You want to know our latest moral score?

Just lower the Williambarr to the floor 

And though they boo

Everything I do, I do it for you

 

There’s no shove like your shove

And no other tweet from above

We’re nowhere because you’re there

All the time, in the way

 

Could you once be smart, maybe? 

 

Oh, you may think a show trial is in store

But I want this quick and done forever more

I would wait for you, I’d wait for you

Like Merrickgarland, yes, I’d wait for you

 

It sucks. It’s true

Everything I do, oh, I do it for you

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You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!