Humor Political Satire Satire The T-Rump Dig

Love, Respect and Enthusiasm …

The plodding Tyrumposaurus entourage pulled up at the entrance to the Dino Sick Bay in Greaterdayton to a waiting pack of Mediacircustops. Just days before, nine dinos had been slaughtered and 27 more injured in a brutal, senseless early morning attack. …

The plodding Tyrumposaurus entourage pulled up at the entrance to the Dino Sick Bay in Greaterdayton to a waiting pack of Mediacircustops. Just days before, nine dinos had been slaughtered and 27 more injured in a brutal, senseless early morning attack. While several Greaterdayton dinos had suggested perhaps the T-Rump might want to wait or not bother coming at all, the T-Rump listened to his better devils and here he was, in all his preening glory.

The Stephaniegrisham stepped forward to address the Mediacircustops.

“Hi, remember me?”

“No!” came the resounding chorus.

“Oh, come on, now. I’ve been meaning to speak to you. Really. Maybe next year. Anyways, this is how this meet’n greet, I mean, sympathy visit is going to go down. Let’s remember that the T-Rump is truly a great leader. That’s your headline everyone or I will hunt you down. Following that, this is all about honoring the victims, comforting the communities and thanking the first responders and dino docs for their heroic actions. Kind of like the T-Rump arriving to see you for the first time. Very heroic.”

“Let’s go,” said the T-Rump. “They can’t wait to see me.”

The T-Rump and his closest besty beasties entered the Sick Bay. The Mediacircustops stepped forward as well, right into the raised short arm of the Stephaniegrisham.

“Oh, no. Stop right there. This won’t do. You can’t come inside. Think of the pain and suffering.”

“Oh, the victims. Of course,” said the Andersoncooper.

“No, the T-Rump. What if he actually succumbs to a bout of … empathy? What would you think then?”

“Wow. You are s-o-o-o right.”

Moments later, the T-Rump and friends stood over a recovering dino patient. He was nursing several wounds. He looked up at the T-Rump and struggled to find words.

“I – I …” the wounded dino gasped.

“Go on,” urged the T-Rump.

“I – I … don’t want to see you. Get out of my sight.”

The T-Rump’s pack quickly regrouped and found a second patient to visit.

“Scram!” came the one word response.

Exit stage left and on to a third injured dino, who upon seeing the T-Rump began screaming.


A dino nurse poked her head in the cave.

“What’s wrong?”

“A nightmare, ohmigod.” He looked up. “A-a-a-a-a-a-g-h! He’s still here! N-o-o-o-o-o-o!”

The nurse quickly ushered the T-Rump and company away from the Greaterdayton victims. Fingers crossed, the Stephaniegrisham pointed to three dino patients who had not been involved in the Greaterdayton attack.

“Here we go. I’m sure your visiting these dinos will be the highlight of their day.”

The first dino rose from his sick nest at the sight of the T-Rump.

“Hah! I loved it when the Joaquincastro identified your major moolah-moolah leaf donors. They’re fueling your campaign of hate that labels the Latinonachos dinos as ‘invaders.’”

“Hey! Wait a minute. He can’t tell dinos that kind of information.”

“You nincompoop. Any dino can look it up. It’s public knowledge.”

“Oh, yeah? Well, I don’t even know who the Joaquincastro is other than the lesser brother of a failed candidate who makes a fool of himself every time he opens his mouth. Joaquin is not the dino that his brother is … but his brother, according to most, is … not much!”

“Y’know, T-Rump. You do have a round-about way of making yourself look like an idiot. I’ll give you that.”

The Stephaniegrisham jumped between them.

“It’s not good to be yelling at the patients.”

“He’s not wounded. He’s faking. Fake fake faker!”

A moment later, the T-Rump and friends stopped at the bedside of the next patient. The consoler-in-chief glanced down at him, then off into space.

“So, uh … what are you in for?”

“Bone spurs.”

“Very funny. A wise guy, eh?” 

The Stephaniegrisham gave her boss the look. He calmed down.

“Uh, that’s nice.”

“Not really. The Joebiden said you’re fanning the flames of white-striped dino supremacy in the Milkanhoney Preservation.”

“The sleepy Joebiden? B-o-o-o-o-r-i-n-g! The dino nation will do poorly with him. You’ll do poorly with him.” The T-Rump pointed a threatening finger at the wounded dino.

The Stephaniegrisham grabbed the T-Rump by the shoulder.

“One more. Let’s try one more. Maybe we’ll get lucky.”

A third non-Greaterdayton attack-related patient was soon blessed with the arrival of a smiling T-Rump, chest held high.

“So, how do you like me so far?”

“I beg your pardon?”

“I mean, how have you been treating me so far?”

“You just got here.”

The Danscavino rushed to the patient’s side and whispered something in his ear. The dino patient looked confused.

“Rock star?”

Waving his arms about, the Danscavino attempted to drag the entire phrase from the recovering dino.

“No,” said the patient. “I won’t say it. I’m definitely not treating him like a rock star!”

The Danscavino held his hands up. Conversation over. He peeked at the T-Rump, who was doing his best to grin and bear this latest broadside.

“Don’t worry, boss. He’s delirious. I’ll look after it. I will absolutely get the word out.”

Within hours, the T-Rump Pity Party Part Two arrived at the Dino Sick Bay in Elpasogrande. There they found stronger sentiments staring back at them. Emphatic footprints in the sand that read ‘Go Home!’, ‘Stay Away!’ and “White-Striped Supremacy is NOT a Virtue.” But the T-Rump stepped passed them all. He was here to pay his respects to 22 dead dinos and dozens more wounded whether they liked it or not. 

Outside the view of the Mediacircustops once more, the Stephaniegrisham guided the group quickly past the dinos wounded in the white-striped supremacy attack. She wasn’t taking any chances. Straight to the dinos with less of a bone to pick. Or so she thought.

The first dino smiled at the T-Rump. The Foxsquawkbox would ecstatically record it as the first smile at the T-Rump from an Elpasogrande dino in 932 days. The smile came with words.

“I just wanted to say that that was very nice what the Sherrodbrown and the Nanwhaley said earlier today about your meeting the injured dinos in Greaterdayton.”

“What?! Don’t believe it. Fake news! They threw me under the Priebusunderbus! Over and over. It was disgusting. The most disgusting thing the dino world has ever seen!”

The Stephaniegrisham kept repeating to herself, I love my job, I love my job … as she directed the T-Rump over to a second patient. A patient who appeared to by lying in wait, rubbing his short arms together.

“You should have listened to Beto. He told you not to come. The Betoorourke gave you the dirty end of the tail. He called you a white-striped supremacist dino, he did. It looks good on you.”

The T-Rump did a slow burn, his orange skin turning bright red. A chameleon cataclysm.

“You … you tell him to — to … to be quiet!”

The leader of the free-running dino world turned and stormed away. The Stephaniegrisham angled in in front of him, managing to direct him to a final dino, a last gasp attempt at nailing down the smallest of victories she would gladly take at this point. The still-frowning T-Rump looked down at the latest recovering dino.

“What do you want?”

“I beg your pardon?”

“You’d better.”

The dino didn’t understand.

“Inside joke,” said the T-Rump, itching to leave as soon as dino-ly possible.

“Your lies are catching up with you,” said the dino patient. “The Tuckercarlson said the whole white-striped supremacy thing is a hoax.”

“No, no, no. You’ve got the wrong hoax.”

The dino patient scoffed.

“There are so many. And so we have another Foxsquawkbox dino taking another vacation because they said the wrong thing. You should take a vacation, T-Rump. For good.”

“I’ll take that as a ‘for now,’ thank you very much.”

And with that the T-Rump and his followers fairly barreled out of the Dino Sick Bay into a throng of Mediacircustops waiting for them. The T-Rump stepped forward.

“We had an amazing day, as you know. Well, you would know if you’d been in there. The love, the respect and enthusiasm for me. It was, it really was amazing. I wish you could’ve been in there to see it.”

By David Belisle

I'm a novelist and screenwriter in search of the Great Guffaw. It's kind of like getting hit with a bucket of Gatorade. It's a good time that sticks with you.

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