Humor Political Satire Satire The T-Rump Dig

The Stochastic Stooge …

“Stochastic terror?! What the hell is that?”
The Tyrumposaurus looked incredulously at his acting chief of staff, the Mickmulvaney, who was becoming quite used to explaining big words to the T-Rump.
“Yes, well, they are not good words. Stochastic terror means …

“Stochastic terror?! What the hell is that?”

The Tyrumposaurus looked incredulously at his acting chief of staff, the Mickmulvaney, who was becoming quite used to explaining big words to the T-Rump.

“Yes, well, they are not good words. Stochastic terror means the public demonization of a dino or group resulting in the incitement of a violent act, which is statistically probable but whose specifics cannot be predicted.”

The T-Rump still looked miffed.

“What the Mediacircustops are suggesting is that your divisive rhetoric played a role in the dino massacres in Gilroygarlic and Elpasogrande.”

“But we get a pass on Greaterdayton,” interrupted the Stephenmillerus. “There’s that.”

“Not something you’d want to turn into a talking point,” corrected the Mickmulvaney.

The three sites in question had seen 34 dinos killed and dozens wounded by lone-wolf dinos. The T-Rump turned to the Stephenmillerus.

“I said god bless them all and that I might look into it. That’s the best I can do. What’s next?”

“What’s next? We do nothing. It’s business as usual. We’re winning. Look at our great way of life. Remember?”

“Except we have a little problem,” said the Mickmulvaney. “It appears the Sherrodbrown, the Timryan and the Berniesanders want the Mitchgetbacktowork to get all his dinos back to the Sin Hut and do something about this.” 

“I wouldn’t want my vay-cay interrupted,” said the T-Rump.

His chief of staff looked aghast.

“For 34 dead dinos?”

The three dinos quietly contemplated what was the dead dino magic number before the Kongrus Kave should cancel vacations. A minute later the Stephenmillerus brightened.

“Here’s what we do. We say the Mitchgetbacktowork fell down and hurt his shoulder. He can’t go to the Sin Hut. Dino doc’s orders.”

“Great, Stephen,” said the T-Rump. “Just great. But I’m in a doubling down mood. Especially after the Betoorourke called me a white-striped nationalist. Me? White-striped? C’mon. What can we do there?”

“Elpasogrande is his own neighborhood,” said the Mickmulvaney. “You need to leave that alone. Just say you’re angry, you’re upset and that you want it to stop.” 

“I was talking to Stephen. Which reminds me, can I triple down before I double down? It would save time.”

The Stephenmillerus lowered his gaze as he did when the T-Rump asked a question defying simple logic.

The Stephaniegrisham took the awkward pause as a chance to poke her snout into the Oval Dwelling.

“Excuse me, T-Rump? I just wanted to confirm. We are taking away the Briankarem’s access today, aren’t we? I can only avoid him for so long. He already went and told the other Mediacircustops. That wasn’t part of the plan. I may have to speak at some point and I know you don’t want that.”

“Of course not. Didn’t the Huckabeecyclops tell you all her good places to hide?”

“Hide? That one-eyed ogre told the Mediacircustops how to find me!”

The T-Rump chuckled.

“I always liked that girl’s spunk. Stephanie, nobody believes the Mediacircustops fake news anymore so you have a job in title only. Remember that. Just shut up and smile, okay?”

With that ringing endorsement, she retired from the cave. The T-Rump rejoined his dilemma du jour.

“The most important thing about Elpasogrande and Greaterdayton, the big question here is when can I get back to dividing the dino nation? When?!”

“I don’t think you want to go there just yet,” said the Mickmulvaney.

“Silence!” said the Stephenmillerus. “It’s so easy to see why you are the acting chief of staff.”

The Mickmulvaney shrank inside. The damning designation always hit him to the core.

The Stephenmillerus stuck out his jaw, signalling he had something very important to say.

“I’m sure you can dive right back in with your fiery rhetoric within the next 24-to-48 hours. We can turn this on its head and distract the dino nation by blaming the Mediacircustops as the motivation behind the massacres. They’re the ones stirring the pot with their fake news.”

“Great stuff, Stephen. But I know you’ve got more evil in your genius. Dig deep now.”

The T-Rump and the Mickmulvaney leaned back in their squats in awe as the T-Rump senior advisor did a double shift of his jaw, verbally grinding down upon all things evil and wicked.

“We could suspend all Mediacircustops access to the Oval Dwelling for 48 hours. No, we need to get meaner. … We have you call the Betoorourke a white-striped nationalist. That would keep him hopping for days. … That’s two bad things. Hmm …”

“I think we’re missing the point,” said the Mickmulvaney. “The real two bad things are Elpasogrande and Greaterdayton. These are what dinos are connecting.”

The Stephenmillerus raised his hand as if to swat the Mickmulvaney but paused, resuming his diabolical thought process. 

“Two bad things … connected …”

A light went on in his head, spelling obvious doom for the Milkanhoney Preservation.

“I’ve got it. We join the massacre issue and our migration problem by introducing background check legislation on all migrant dinos coming across the Great Tex-Mex Divide. How dark and devilish! Two wrongs to make a right. For us!”

The Stephenmillerus’ sinister laugh filled the Oval Dwelling.


By David Belisle

I'm a novelist and screenwriter in search of the Great Guffaw. It's kind of like getting hit with a bucket of Gatorade. It's a good time that sticks with you.

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