Humor Political Satire Satire The T-Rump Dig

Fu*ked Up …

It was a somber gathering. Tyrumposaurus tail-waggers and several dino officials from the Permian Basin in the Land of Longhorns squatted behind a flat rock. More of their underlings squatted behind them, short arms folded, quietly licking their chops. …

It was a somber gathering. Tyrumposaurus tail-waggers and several dino officials from the Permian Basin in the Land of Longhorns squatted behind a flat rock. More of their underlings squatted behind them, short arms folded, quietly licking their chops. A crowd of Mediacircustops and several high-ranking Donkeykongrus dinos gathered in front. They were all looking for answers in the latest Milkanhoney Preservation carnage. 7 dinos had been massacred in Odessa Mesa and 22 more wounded by a rampaging Assaultriflerus

An Odessa Mesa official brought the meeting to order.

“Ahem, I’d just like to say that yesterday afternoon, we had something happen that we would never wish on any dino.”

“Excuse me, Mike,” said the dino governor, the Gregabbott. “That’s not what we’re going for here. Thanks for coming out. I’m taking over.”

He carefully eyed the Mediacircustops.

“I’ve been to too many of these. 26 dinos dead in Supperland Springs, 23 dead in Killeen Fields and just four weeks ago, 22 dinos killed in Elpasogrande. Of the 18 worst dino massacres in the Milkanhoney Preservation, six of them have happened right here in the Land of Longhorns. Six!”

“Go, Longhorns!” came a voice from the back.

Dinos turned and stared him down.

“Oops. Sorry. I thought we were winning.”

“No, we’re not,” said the Gregabbott. We’re losing. Big time. Six massacres here. We have only 9% of the dino population and yet we have 33% of the massacres. I don’t like the math. I hate it. 109 dinos dead in the Land of Longhorns. The status quo is unacceptable.”

The Nancypelosi stepped forward.

“Before you change your mind, this requires immediate action. The Moscowmitch is refusing to help dinos.”

“Time’s up,” said the Elizabethwarren. “Every day we wait, more tragedies happen. Moscowmitch must do something. The Milkanhoney Preservation is done waiting for him.”

The Amyklobuchar was next.

“No more of the same. Promises made. A visit with that Ennarraygunsarus knucklehead Waynelapierre. Promises broken. We need to act. We were ready weeks ago.”

“Hey, where’d all these women come from?” asked the Gregabbott. “Oh, right. You’re with the Donkeykongrus.”

“Excuse me, Greg,” said the Mincepencenow. “I’m leaving soon for Polandia, but I just want to say in my best please-the-T-Rump voice, that every last one of his dinos are determined to work with all dinos in the Kongrus Kave to take steps that address and confront this scourge of mass atrocity in our dino nation. Scourge and atrocity. Mother told me to use those words.”

The dino senator from the Neverglades, the Rickscott, raised a short arm.

“This is an issue about how do we keep dinos safe. I’m going to do everything I can. I assure you. Everything.”

“Enough of your happy talk,” said the Juliancastro. “16 dino teenagers lost their lives on your watch in Parkland Heights. We need to know who are getting these Assaultriflerus dinos? The T-Rump expressed an interest in background checks twice after Parkland Heights and again after Elpasogrande and Greaterdayton. These are his biggest lies. Lies, dinos!”

“Hey!” said the Gregabbott. “Now cut that out. This is my Mediacircustops gathering. Just because the T-Rump isn’t nice to you doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be nice to him. Let’s try and set an example for our leader, okay? Sheesh. Now then. Yes, I did agree with a lot — okay, all — of the Ennarraygunsarus ideas we made the law of the land to ease the access of Assaultriflerus. But, I assure you, this is all in the interest of safety.”

“Aren’t you afraid these will increase the danger of dino massacres?” asked a Mediacircustops.

“Nonsense. Yes, two of the recent massacres were committed by Assaultriflerus, but one was by an itty-bitty Puppyhandgun. That alone blows your argument to smithereens. Did I mention that half of those 18 greatest massacres in the Milkanhoney Preservation have happened in the past three years? I promise to take action on these massacres. I really do. Ask me where we are in a few weeks. I’m not going to get into specifics now. We’re going to look at every issue. There’s no issue we’re not going to look at. We have several groups looking at all these issues. More ideas, less chance of coming to a consensus, mind you. But we’re trying. Changes are needed. Unless of course, they deal with a dino’s unalienable right to have an Assaultriflerus, or two or three, in their cave. You never know when 200 dinos on the warpath are going to drop by unannounced.”

“I am tired of the dying dinos in the Land of Longhorns but I am not tired of listening to the great ideas of the Ennarraygunsarus leader, the Waynelapierre. May I remind the dinos of the great Land of Longhorns that as far as our number of Assaultriflerus, etc. we still trail the Califortyniners. Let’s pick up the pace, shall we?” 

The words fell on the shocked faces of many dinos.

“What? Turn those frowns upside down. The Waynelapierre himself suggested I mix that in to try and defuse the situation. Life goes on, right? Okay, unfortunately with some death mixed in. On that note, we are here today. And we’ll be here everyday until this dino community is pieced back together. Because you know it’s only a matter of one, two, three weeks — tops — when we’ll all be back here again somewhere in the Milkanhoney Preservation, more likely right here in the Land of Longhorns … so thoughts and prayers … you know the drill. I have my good friend here, the Mattschaefer to take us home. Matt?”

The Mattschaefer, a Land of Longhorns Grandoldparty dino, rose from his squat and glared at the Donkeykongrus faithful.

I hear a lot of you dinos hollering, ‘do something!’ Let me tell you what I am NOT going to do. I am NOT going to use the evil acts of a handful of dinos to diminish the Gawdalmighty-given rights of my fellow Land of Longhorn dinos. Period. None of these so-called solutions will work to stop a dino with evil intent. What can we do? I say YES to praying for victims. YES to praying for protection. YES to praying that Gawdalmighty will transform the hearts of dinos with evil intent. The real root of the problem is depraved dino hearts. The depraved dino heart. Ripping. Tearing. Destroying our community. Don’t blame the Assaultriflerus. That’s a cop-out. So I think the first big step on turning this whole thing around is one big Land of Longhorns-size group hug, everyone. C’mon. Who’s with me?”

The Betoorourke couldn’t believe his eyes.

“This is f*cked up.”

By David Belisle

I'm a novelist and screenwriter in search of the Great Guffaw. It's kind of like getting hit with a bucket of Gatorade. It's a good time that sticks with you.

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