Satire The Trump Dig

Liar’s Club …

The Rudygiuliani licked his lips and slapped his hands together in glee.
“Hah! There’s a sucker hatched every minute!”
“The Muellersavus never knew what hit him,” said the Stephenmillerus, breaking out his lecherous sneer. …

The Rudygiuliani licked his lips and slapped his hands together in glee.

“Hah! There’s a sucker hatched every minute!”

“The Muellersavus never knew what hit him,” said the Stephenmillerus, breaking out his lecherous sneer.

“I’ve got the best legal dinos,” said the Tyrumposaurus. “The best. How they keep me out of the Solitary Sinkhole is a mystery. The world’s greatest mystery.”

The Rudyguiliani rocked back and forth on his haunches.

“Priceless. Utterly priceless. Our legal dinos in cahoots with the Manaforta.”

“And the Jimcorsi,” said the Stephenmillerus. “Don’t forget the Jimcorsi, my favorite conspiracy theorist. He’s one crazy dino.”

“And how did we do it again?” the T-Rump asked with a fake chuckle. “You know how I like to keep things interesting by opening my mouth when you guys don’t want me to.”

“Don’t worry,” said the Rudygiuliani. “Happens to me all the time.”

“It’s like this, T-Rump,” continued the Stephenmillerus, “The Manaforta agreed to a plea bargain with the Muellersavus and then he lied to the ol’ scuz bucket the whole time. It allowed us a very, heh-heh … unethical …”

“Hey, if you’re not unethical,” said the T-Rump, “you’re not trying.”

“Yes, an unethical peek into what the Muellersavus knows.”

The Stephenmillerus paused, scratching his chin.

“Hmm. I was just wondering. We sat on our hands making the Muellersavus wait for ten days before we gave him your answers. Then he ended the plea bargain agreement the very next day. Don’t you find the timing odd? What if he knew the Manaforta was lying the whole time? Those ten days gave him time to do more interviews, gather more information. Was he just waiting for the T-Rump’s answers so he could shut us down?

“That’s just a co-inky-dink,” said the Rudygiuliani. “Don’t overthink this, Stephen. You know, it takes a special kind of legal dino — like myself I might add — to work with clients that lie so much.”

“There have been so many,” said the Stephenmillerus, blushing with pure awe.

“6500,” said the T-Rump. “Give or take. The Mediacircustops would be better off counting my Dietcokers. Somebody grab me a Dietcoker!” He turned to the Stephenmillerus. “What’s next? Do I have time to dangle another pardon to the Manaforta?”

“Uh … no. We’re leaving soon for Argy Bargy to meet with the Putinodon.”

“That’s right. I can’t wait! I love listening to his war stories about marching down the Ukraine Lane. Remind me to ask him about luxury caves. And he can have …”

“The top one. Of course.”

The Huckabeecyclops entered the cave, sticking her protruding eye into the conversation.

“Forgive me for interrupting, T-Rump, but we have another calamity.”

“The T-Melania and her trees?”

“No, I’m afraid the Michaelcohen has just struck a plea agreement with the Muellersavus. The Michaelcohen says he lied about your Moscovian Bluffs business with the Putinodon. The timeline. You know, that thing with the dates on it?”

“Damn that dirty, legal dino,” said the Stephenmillerus. “This is bad. Bad bad. Bad bad bad. We have to call off the Putinodon meeting. These are terrible optics. Can’t have you two in the same cave right now.”

“No!” said the T-Rump, lashing out with his tail. “I wanna go to Argy Bargy. Argy Bargy! Argy Bargy!”

He stamped his feet. His face turned red. The other dinos wondered. Was he holding his breath?

“You need to settle down, T-Rump,” said the Rudygiuliani. “You’re spooked and completely distracted.”

“And one other thing, T-Rump,” said the Huckabeecyclops.

“Huckabee,” said the Stephenmillerus. “Can’t you see he’s spooked and completely distracted?”

“Him? If I don’t tell him everything, he yells at me, calls me bad things, trashes my ancestry and, and … I’m hanging onto this job by the shortest hair on your butt, okay?”

“Ahem.” The Stephenmillerus involuntarily squeezed his butt cheeks.

“What is it, Huckabee?” asked the T-Rump.

“They’re implicating the T-Rump Jr. and the Tyvankanatrix in your shady business dealings with the Putinodon during the war campaign.”

The T-Rump shook his head.

“Sad. So sad. My offspring. So young. Why, they’d barely begun to lie.”

By David Belisle

I'm a novelist and screenwriter in search of the Great Guffaw. It's kind of like getting hit with a bucket of Gatorade. It's a good time that sticks with you.

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