Satire The Trump Dig

Pop! Goes the Papadopoulos …

It was not a good day inside the Papadopoulos cave. Rocks, debris and leftover bones ricocheted off the walls. The Simonamangiante was throwing anything that wasn’t rooted to the spot at her husband. …

It was not a good day inside the Papadopoulos cave. Rocks, debris and leftover bones ricocheted off the walls. The Simonamangiante was throwing anything that wasn’t rooted to the spot at her husband.

I can’t take this any more, George!

A hippo’s hip bone sailed over his head.

“Hey! I was gnawing on that!”

“My mother told me to watch out for dinos like you!”

“Your mother said she liked my Euro dino good looks.”

“How many times do I have to tell you? That’s not a foreign policy platform!”

She stopped throwing things. Her short arms had stiffened up already. She broke down, sobbing.

“I’m tired of being asked if I’m a Russodino spy!”


“Sorry, I lost it there for a minute.” She took a deep breath, regaining her composure. Simona carefully eyed her husband. “George, I know you want to be a political dino, but right now you are … nothing.”

“Now wait just a minute. That’s not fair. I was the first dino in the T-Rump’s circle to be busted.”

“Okay, you’ve got me there. But that was s-o-o-o-o long ago. Since then, there’s been the Flynnhasbeen, the Rickyprisongates, the Manaforta, the Michaelcohen and more of his sinister circle grabbing the Mediacircustops attention. I don’t like waiting in line like some old, baggy Baboochkasaurus. What are you going to do, George?”

“Um, tell the truth?”

“Hah! Really? Where has that gotten you?”

“Two weeks in the Solitary Sinkhole?”

“And you’re okay with that?”

“Uh, yeah?”

“So help me, George, when you return in two weeks, this cave will be empty!”

“I said I’d do something about the army ant-termite-tarantula problem.”

“No, I’ll be gone, George. As in buh-bye.”

“But Simona, sweetheart, we just got married.”

“Don’t Simona sweetheart me. My bio-politico-celebrity clock is ticking!”

She stamped her foot on the ground for effect, raising a cloud of dust.

“Please, dear. My allergies.”

He blinked his eyes, wiped his nose and realized she was still glaring at him. He sighed.

“What do you want me to do?”

“Where have you been, George? Join the crowd. Do what every Grandoldparty dino has been doing the last two years. Lie! Lie! Lie! You’ve got to get back to lying. Just pretend it’s the new truth. Watch the T-Rump. It comes so natural — like breathing for him. And his cronies fall right in line. I just love a good sycophant. Why can’t you be like them, George? Why can’t you fight back? Double down. Forget dino decency. Be the bully. Be best.”


“The new normal, remember?”

“O-k-a-a-a-y,” he said with a shrug. “So, um … I could say my case was a big case of entrapment.”

“You’re thinking small again, George. Girls don’t dig small dinos.”

“Right. It’s the biggest case of entrapment.”


“I need more?”

“It’s a quick news cycle, George.”

“Right. I, uh … I believe I was framed. That’s right. Framed! There was evidence hidden from me. Hidden for crying out loud!”

“Keep going, my sexy Euro dino.”

“I’m not going to spend one day in the Solitary Sinkhole. Not one! And, and pleading guilty was the biggest regret of my life!”

“My hero,” she said with a swoon she knew would make him weak-kneed. She watched him smile with an air of confidence. It had been so long. She allowed him to bask in it for a brief moment.

“Oh, George?”

“Yes, sweetheart?”

“I just want you to know how proud I am of you and I promise I will be here to welcome you home when you return because I love you so much.”

“My dear, sweet Simona, it’s only two weeks.”

“Well, actually, George … when you say all those things you told me you’re going to say — and I know you will because you so want me to believe you’re the strong uber Euro dino that can still sweep me off my feet …”

“Yes, yes?”

“The Meullersavus is going to throw you back in the Solitary Sinkhole for perjury, George.”

The Papadopoulos squatted before her stunned.

“But look on the bright side, George. You’ll have plenty of time to work on your foreign policy platform.”

By David Belisle

I'm a novelist and screenwriter in search of the Great Guffaw. It's kind of like getting hit with a bucket of Gatorade. It's a good time that sticks with you.

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