Satire The Trump Dig

Trumpassic Apocalypse? …

The Trumpassic Period we know was very much a dino-eat-dino world. Some of the grander bone-munching battles had an almost cataclysmic feel to them. …

The Trumpassic Period we know was very much a dino-eat-dino world. Some of the grander bone-munching battles had an almost cataclysmic feel to them. One such event I unearthed today was the much anticipated bout between the T-Rump and the Kimjongadon, the Crocodilian crackpot. The Kimjongadon had been on a collision course with the T-Rump for some time. The T-Rump made it a point not to venture into Ping Pong Valley because of the low number of reflecting pools.

But push came to shove as the Kimjongadon was within striking distance. The battle would be in the Kimjongadon’s back yard. The dinosaurs gathered. What would the T-Rump do? The Blumenthaleon, a Nonvietnamesean prosauropod said, “guessing what’s in the T-Rump’s head is a dangerous occupation.”

From atop the Bullee-Tar Pit, the T-Rump declared, “you realize of course, this means war.” There would be sumo wrestling.

The Bufferator, a rooster-sized Squawkbellow theropod with small teeth, stepped between the two, took a deep breath and held one wing in the air.


The Kimjongadon stepped forward, glaring at the T-Rump.

“I am taking physical action.”

The T-Rump smirked.

“What is that, the prevent offense? I will show you a real preventative war.”

The Kimjongadon bristled.

“I will teach you severe lesson!”

“You’re going to teach me? That is intolerable, Kimjong-a-ding-dong. Intolerable with a capital I!”

“You crazy capitalist carnivore, you will pay 1000-fold!”

The T-Rump shook his head.

“Kimjongadon, you obviously don’t know me. When you reach a million, let’s talk. Until then, if you think you can play with the big dinos, you will see fire and fury like the world has never seen!”

That was the straw that stuck in the Kimjongadon’s nose. He charged at the T-Rump, bowling over the Tyrumposaurus. The T-Rump bounced to his feet and slugged the Kimjongadon with a short, quick right to the stomach.

“How’s that for a gut punch? Huh? That was a great gut punch! Wait.”

He walked to the edge of the Bullee-Tar Pit. The dinosaurs below looked like ants.

“Do you want to see my right upper-cut?!” he shouted to the masses. “You should see my–”

He never finished. The Kimjongadon lashed out with his long tail, knocking the T-Rump over the edge of the cliff.

The Kimjongadon slithered triumphantly to the edge.

“And now … I will now crush you with my famous Atomic Bomb cliff dive.”

“Ooh. Aah,” came the dinosaur cries from below.

The Kimjongadon took a step forward … and stopped. He looked down at the beaten T-Rump. There was a large crater from the T-Rump’s great fall. Small streams of water were slowly filling the deep depression.

“Leaks!” the T-Rump cried. “All these leaks!”

The T-Rump slowly dragged himself out of the water. The Kimjongadon admired himself in his brand new pond. So this is a reflecting pond. It had to be bigger than anything the T-Rump had. He smiled. It would be a monument to his crocodilian brethren. The dinosaurs below put their short arms together. Again and again.

Gradually realizing the applause was not for him, the T-Rump began the journey home to his oval dwelling.

“Don’t worry, I’ll be okay. I’m playing flog with the Putinodon tomorrow. It’s my turn to carry the Maralago palm.* Again.”


*See previous Day 199 report.

By David Belisle

I'm a novelist and screenwriter in search of the Great Guffaw. It's kind of like getting hit with a bucket of Gatorade. It's a good time that sticks with you.

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