Satire The Trump Dig

The Non-Existent Source …

The senior Oval Dwelling dino looked nervously over the edge of the cliff on the south face of Mount Pushmore. He shivered at the dizzying drop to certain death below.
“Don’t jump!” the Maggiehaberman shouted from a hundred feet below. …

The senior Oval Dwelling dino looked nervously over the edge of the cliff on the south face of Mount Pushmore. He shivered at the dizzying drop to certain death below.

“Don’t jump!” the Maggiehaberman shouted from a hundred feet below.

“Why did you have to say that?” cried the senior dino.

“I said I was sorry. I was just wondering allowed that if the T-Rump said the senior Oval Dwelling source the Mediacircustops referred to didn’t exist — when in fact it is you — and every Mediacircustops saw and heard you, then in effect the T-Rump is saying you, um … don’t exist. And I’m so sorry. I didn’t know you would take this so hard …”

“He said I don’t exist. After every lie and secret and Pornodactyl I’ve kept quiet. This is the thanks I get.”

“Welcome to the club.”

“I’ll show him. I’m going to provide background upon background upon background information until the Muellersavus won’t even need to interview him.”

“Wow. Could I get that on the record?”

The senior non-existent source mulled it over.

“Well, since I was planning to jump.”

Suddenly, the T-Rump came huffing and puffing around the corner. The Lesliestahl was in hot pursuit, chasing him up the side of the mountain. They stopped beside the Maggiehaberman.

“Okay, okay,” the T-Rump said out of breath to the Lesliestahl, “I’ll answer your damn question.” He turned to the Maggiehaberman. “Why couldn’t it be you chasing me?”

The Lesliestahl cleared her throat, dousing a nearby lilac bush with a fresh coat of phlegm.

“T-Rump, I know it’s been a year, but it’s never too late for a follow-up question. You told me that you lie to us Mediacircustops to discredit us and demean us, so when we say negative things about you no dinos will believe us.”

“No, I didn’t.”

“You’re lying again.”

“Only to prove my point. Lying continues to improve my popularity. Why stop now?”

The T-Rump raised his chin smugly and spotted the senior dino on the ledge high above. He shaded his eyes with his hand.

“Who the heck is that up there?”

“What?!” came the shout from above. “You pompous blowhard! How dare you say you don’t know me!”

The Maggiehaberman shifted her feet.

“Um, that would be the senior Oval Dwelling official, you know, the one you said didn’t exist? He’s right up there … and because you’ve upset him so …”

“Jump!” hollered T-Rump. “You can do it.”

“Oh,” said the source, “you’d like that, wouldn’t you? I would jump so I could land on top of your fat smiling face. Then you’ll see if I exist or not, you ungrateful, lying lizard.”

“Wait, not so fast,” said the Maggiehaberman. “You mentioned background … and then on the record.”

“About what?” asked the T-Rump.

“About you.”

“Jump, damn you.”

At that, the Rudyguiliani appeared before them, huffing and puffing, out of breath. He nodded toward the Maggiehaberman.

“I thought I smelt a Mediacircustops.”

“Rudy!” shouted the senior dino from above.

The Rudyguiliani craned his neck.

“Do I know you?”

“No,” snapped the T-Rump.

The Rudyguiliani pointed a claw in the air.

“Oh, I know. You’re the senior Oval Dwelling dino that doesn’t exist.”

The T-Rump kicked him in the shin.

Ow! I mean, no. You’re not at all the senior Oval Dwelling dino that doesn’t exist. Because you can never tell how sneaky those Langleyops dinos can be. You must be that informant …”

Sinister informant,” said the T-Rump.

“Oh, yes,” said the Rudyguiliani, “so sinister you must be a spy. Spygate,” he said, salivating. “But you’ve already been outed … which goes to show you that even more material is being provided to us by the Langleyops — home to that sick and twisted deep state society. I didn’t say the investigation was illegitimate. Only it’s premise. I ask you, has anybody looked into the premise that the Muellersavus may have had an illegitimate dino? Huh?”

“Good one, Rudy,” said the T-Rump. “And check the Obamarus and the Crookadillary too. Illegitimate dinos, all of them.”

“What about me?” came the cry from above.

The T-Rump frowned, looking to the Rudyguiliani for counsel.

“It depends if he’s going to jump or not. If he does, it’s collusion. If he doesn’t, it’s obstruction. Now that you can talk about with the Muellersavus.”

“And no Russodinos. That’s great, Rudy. Just great.”

“You’re gonna love this, T-Rump. Today I told the Danabash that the Jamesclapper and the Johnbrennan are clowns. A couple of clowns, I said!”

The two dinos laughter echoed throughout the valley.

By David Belisle

I'm a novelist and screenwriter in search of the Great Guffaw. It's kind of like getting hit with a bucket of Gatorade. It's a good time that sticks with you.

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