Satire The Trump Dig

Rudy to the Rescue! …

“Okay,” the Jaysekulow said to the Donmcgahn. “We released the 49 questions to the Mediacircustops.”
“You mean the dumbed-down version,” corrected the Donmcgahn.
“I heard that!” the T-Rump said from across the Oval Dwelling.

“Okay,” said the Jaysekulow, “We released the 49 questions to the Mediacircustops.”

“You mean the dumbed-down version,” corrected the Donmcgahn.

“I heard that!” the Tyrumposaurus said from across the Oval Dwelling.

Governing the Milkanhoney Preservation had come to a screeching halt. All of the T-Rump’s energy and his daily Trollertweety blasts were focused on saving his tail in the Muellersavus Russodinos, the Michaelcohen and the Stormydaniels investigations. The latter had now seen the T-Melania taking up separate sleeping quarters for a record 279 consecutive nights.

“I just don’t get it,” said the T-Rump.

“That’s why you pay us the big moolah-moolah leaves,” said the Jaysekulow.

“No, you released the 49 questions to the Mediacircustops and then you have me act upset in a Trollertweety message, saying it’s disgraceful. Why?”

“Because,” said the Donmcgahn, “we need to fool your delusional, I mean delightful dino base into believing that since you said the release of the questions was disgraceful, they will ignore the Muellersavus and not even bother to read one of them …”

“That we obviously sent out,” the Tycorncobb said with a roll of the eyes. “Why can’t we just roll the bones and sit down with the Muellersavus, play nice and answer all 49 questions?”

“Hold it right there,” said the Rudygiuliani. “I said several of the questions, two to three hours max. 49 questions. That’s just ridiculous. This is the T-Rump we’re talking about. The most honest and respected dinosaur in all the land.”

The other dinos looked at him like he’d cracked his walnut.

“Pardon me and common sense,” said the Tycorncobb, “but the Muellersavus runs the show.” 

“No,” roared the T-Rump,  “I run the show! … And, since this is Friday, you’re fired!

“You can’t fire me. I quit!”

The T-Rump’s eyes went wide. He doubled-down on his double-take.

“I said it first!”

The Tycorncobb twirled his wide, handlebar hairlip.

“And I’m saying there are several astonishingly excellent, existing sources here who will say you fired me because it’s, ahem … a Friday.”

The T-Rump smacked his tail against the wall

“Damn, where’s the Michaelcohen when you need him? It’s all his fault.”

The T-Rump sized up his latest firing.

“Well then, aren’t you going to at least thank me before you go? Bow, kneel or kiss my tail perhaps?

“You just fired me!”

“I fire a lot of dinos. Your point?”

The Tycorncobb shook his head and shuffled out, every legal dino in the room wishing they could trade places with him. The T-Rump forgot him in a flash.


The Imminentflood rolled in. His boyish grin seemed out of place. The Donmcgahn knew that youthful optimism would disappear by the next day.

“Hello, everyone, I’m …”

The Jaysekulow tapped his arm.

“Don’t bother. You’re not going to be here long enough to put any footprints in the sand. We’re representing a dinosaur who’s lied 3000 times, remember?”

“I’m still right here,” said the T-Rump.

“Sorry,” said the Jaysekulow. “Sometimes I have to tell the truth just to remind myself what it sounds like.”

“Speaking of which,” said the Rudygiuliani, “I’m going to go and have a long chat with the Seanhannity to set the record straight. It’s been a while since I’ve practiced law, but the Milkanhoney Preservation needs to know what a great leader the T-Rump is and how the Comenyonus is such a pathological liar. We should also ramp up the Crookadillary conspiracy in case that issue is beginning to fade again. Oh, and the Subpoenasaurus? Not on my watch. No, sirree.”

“Anything else?” asked the Jaysekulow. “It’s imperative we’re all saying the same thing.”

“Oh, I don’t know. I may accidentally segue into the Stormydaniels issue and let them know that the T-Rump repaid the Michaelcohen the $130 thousand moolah-moolah, and that the leaves were funneled through a legal dino for work not done. And sure, the exchange was made two weeks before the election but it had nothing, absolutely nothing to do with the campaign.”

“Are you kidding me?!” The Jaysekulow was apoplectic. “Get back here!”

The Rudygiuliani brushed him off with a wave of the hand.

“Relax. I got this.”  

By David Belisle

I'm a novelist and screenwriter in search of the Great Guffaw. It's kind of like getting hit with a bucket of Gatorade. It's a good time that sticks with you.

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