Category: Political Satire

https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-rnsns-f38972

This week’s double T-Rump Traxx include: Day 1404 — “Me and You and a Dad-Blamed Coup” … The Lobosaurus takes the pulse of Dino Nation. … and Day 1408 — “I Pardon That Commotion” … The Flynnhasbeen received a full pardon. That can only mean one thing. … Dino tail wags to Lobo and Smokey and the Miracles. Enjoy!

The Kushneratops paced the Oval Dwelling in front of his father-in-law.

“I know the staff have you out flogging on the back forty so you can calm your nerves, but two days in a row, and you are no closer to accepting the inevitable.”

“What? That my backswing isn’t what it used to be?”

“No, you lost the election, T-Rump. Yesterday. By tens of thousands of votes. Everywhere. It’s not even close.”

“They stole it. Like they stole everything. They’re thieves, they are.”

“We have no proof. We’ve been to court ten times. They’re beginning to get a bit P-O’d at the sight of us. You can’t stonewall an election, T-Rump. Dino Nation won’t stand for it.”

“Oh, they’ll be standing alright. I’m going to do what I do best.”

“What? Bait and switch?”

“No. Rallies. I’m going to tour the countryside and tell all the dinos how I was robbed and that thousands and thousands of votes were fake. Fraudulent!”

“Are you sure that’s a good idea?”

“Who cares? They get to see me. They love me. They need me to keep this whole populist-conservative-carnival facade alive.”

“Are you trying to launch a revolution?”

“What have I got to lose?”

“Well, for one thing, we’ve had 120,000 or more Covid cases for the past three days in a row.”

“That’s all Biden’s fault. He was too busy counting his 75 million fake votes.”

“There you go again. You’re acting like Biden is the leader of Dino Nation when you want him to be … and refusing him that title when dinos across the land have spoken. T-Rump, I hate to say it, but you’re really beginning to make the Grandoldparty dinos look bad.”

“Hah! They’re nothing without me.”

“Except in two months you’ll be nothing too. They won’t have to listen to you any more.”

“Two months? A lot could change by then. I could fall in and out of love with the Kimjongadon. And I can certainly agitate the masses. Just watch me.”

“I’m getting a little worried about you. I’m calling …”

“No!”

“The Tymelania.”

Sure enough, his wife was in the Oval Dwelling twenty minutes later. The T-Rump sulked in the corner. He hated these conversations. That look she gave him always said the same thing. I know exactly how many times you’ve cheated on me. 

“Nice to see you, dear,” he said, lying through his teeth.

She stared at him quietly but sternly. Yes, it was the Quietly Stern stare. Her secret weapon. He blinked and fired back.

“No, I’m not giving up. Biden can bite my butt.”

She said nothing. But she sang plenty.

If you concede right now, you can ask Putin to help you flee 

Oh, Donald, it’s time to go

And if you concede right now, I won’t have to do f**king Christmas tree

Oh, yes

Donald, time to go

Oh, Donald

They don’t want you to stay

A lead like yours, Biden was so behind

How could you let it slip away?

No widespread fraud, no more votes to find

I knew it would always end this way

When tomorrow comes and you don’t quit yet

Give me a f**king break!

A pre-nup like ours, do you think I am blind?

Look at me, I am counting the days

To come this far, I am losing my mind

In two months, they’ll put you away

When tomorrow comes, you just have more debt

Give me a f**king break!

If you concede right now, you’ll soon be seeing the last of me

Oh, yes

Donald, you must go

Oh, Donald

I don’t want to be by your side

Oh, no

Donald, please, just go

Oh, Donald

I just got to get f**king out of here!

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!

It was four days before the big November battle. The Race to 270. That is, the first dino to get 270 Alligator-Goats would win. A strange beast, this unique, long-established system used to determine leadership of the Milkanhoney Preservation. 538 Alligator-Goats were scattered throughout Dino Nation, pretty much hiding in plain sight. 

Thousands of Neverglades dinos had packed the jungle clearing for a T-Rump stump speech by the Rondisenseless. He was flanked by his good buddy the Scottatlas, the new go-to dino in the Oval Dwelling for all things Coronavirus, especially the animosity towards asymptomatic dinos and any testing needed to track them down. Desenseless stepped to the flat rock lectern.

“Next week you have a chance to keep the Grandoldparty dinos in power. Now I know the pandemic has been all-consuming for a lot of you and more of you are out of work and more of you are still waiting for relief. Am I missing anybody? But we need to put all that aside and remember how we got here. Like, before the pandemic? Let’s just pretend we’re all sitting here ten months ago, can we do that, dinos?” 

“What’s that? You said you had family members with you ten months ago and now they’re gone? Then you need to stop thinking about the pandemic. Just stop. We need to be making this all about the terrible Joebiden and how he’s going to ruin your lives, your caves, your everything. See that lagoon there? It won’t be there with the Joebiden. It will evaporate before your very eyes.”

“Back to ten months ago. Your lives are not ruined. They couldn’t be better. Ten months ago, right? 87,000 Covid cases yesterday in Dino Nation? Where’d you hear that? I’ll have to check that with the Oval Dwelling, make sure they’re okay with those numbers. Can’t trust the CDC, y’know.”

“But like the T-Rump said, it’s going to go away. We’re rounding the corner. Making the turn. 87,000 is just a blip. A blip and a bit. You wouldn’t want to have the Joebiden looking after things, would you? It would be even worse! He didn’t do anything, did he? Okay, okay. He wasn’t the leader. But still, he didn’t do anything, right?”

“Like the Kushneratops said. We took it back from the doctors. Here you got me talking about the pandemic again. As if it’s the most important thing. But Jared got control of the messaging from those bad dino doctors. So we can blame them when things go wrong and — this is important now — the T-Rump could claim victory and take the credit when we opened up Dino Nation and got back to our regular lives. That was all about the T-Rump and that’s why we have to keep him in the Oval Dwelling for four more years.”

“What’s that? You want to know why testing has dropped significantly in the Neverglades? Uh, something about symptomatic and asymptomatic, I always mix them up. I mean, I’m just here to say nice things about the T-Rump. I’m here for him so you’ll vote for him and we’ll get all 29 of those all-important Alligator-Goats for the Neverglades.”

The Scottatlas raised a short arm.

“I’ll take it from here, Ron. How are we doing, Neverglades?”

Crickets.

“Uh, yeah. Okay then. First off, nice to see a few of you dinos keeping your phlegm-flinging under five feet. I count two or three. Out of six thousand. It’s a start. And I see all of you are one, maybe two inches apart. Not really socially distancing, but then I’m not really an epidemiology dino. Ahem. … Look, I like testing when it’s for dead dinos. I mean, there’s no need to test dinos without symptoms because it’s not like they really count, when you get right down to it.”

Visible consternation from the crowd.

“Alrighty then. I’ll put it a different way. Let me just sing it.”

Slow tide, make it easy 

Slow tide, don’t get queasy

Slow tide, make it easy

Slow tide, don’t get queasy

I’m a brain dude

T-Rump likes my bite

So Covid widespread

Immunity’s right

Oooh, slow tide

Oooh

Slow tide, make it easy

Slow tide, don’t get queasy

Slow tide, long slide, maybe get to the symptoms in time

Scold me, troll me, ay-symp-to-matic’s not my line 

Woo!

Florida’s good

DeSenseless is right

Cut testing in half

Four-thousand case spike

Oooh

Slow tide, make it easy

Slow tide, don’t get queasy

Slow tide, long slide, got to get things open now full-time

Scold me, troll me, slow tide is death without a crime 

Slow tide, make it easy

Slow tide, don’t get queasy

………………………………

You can hear the musical version of today’s post and previous T-Rump Digs at my podcast site at Podbean. Two new T-Rump tracks every Saturday. Enjoy!

https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-kcuh4-f04794

On tap for this week’s twin T-Rump Traxx: Day 1369 — “Won’t Get Fooled Again” … The Joebiden and the Rogerdaltry give us a quick history lesson … and Day 1373 — “Nobody Has Been Tougher” … The T-Rump rekindles his scathing treatment of the Putinodon. … Enjoy! Kudos to The Who and Carly Simon.